For just those few weeks
I had you to myself.
And that seems too short a time
to be changed so profoundly.
In those few weeks,
I came to know you...
and to love you.
You came to trust me with your life.
Oh what a life I had planned for you!
Just those few weeks...
when I lost you,
I lost a lifetime of hopes,
plans, dreams and aspirations.
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.
Just those few weeks...
It wasn't enough time to convince others
how special and important you were.
How odd, a truly unique person has recently died
and no one is mourning the passing.
Just a mere few weeks..
And no "normal" person would cry all night
Over a tiny unfinished baby,
or get depressed and withdraw day after endless day.
No one would, so why am I??
You were just those few weeks, my little one.
You darted in and out of my life too quickly.
But it seems that's all the time you needed
to make my life richer
and to give me a small glimpse of eternity.
S Erling
This is a hard post to write, my thoughts are all jumbled up, and I hope I can adequately express them. It seems we are in a "winter season" of our lives right now, which really seems about right as I sit here typing, and the snow is flying on this dreary, cold APRIL day! Oh how I loved getting to go to the doctor every single week, for a while everything seemed so reassuring! My hcg and progesterone levels were great, I had an ultrasound every week, as well. Seeing that baby growing every week, and seeing the heart beat was amazing, I'm so thankful for those wonderful memories, I'll hold on to them forever, along with the ultrasound pictures, the one tangible reminder that my baby was here, he existed! I gladly accepted the morning sickness, because I knew (or so I thought, and so my doctor told me) that meant that all was well with the baby, and I would have done anything for that little baby. For a month Monte was practically a single dad while he was home, taking care of the kids, the house, and his nauseous wife. Everything was going so well, my doctor said after one more weekly appointment I could start going monthly. That one last weekly appointment came, he looked on the ultrasound and remarked at how much the baby had grown since the last week ... then silence. "I don't see the heart beating." I said. "That's what I'm looking for." he said. And I knew, I knew in my heart my baby was dead, it was so much smaller the week before, but I saw the heart beating plain as day that week. He sent me to the hospital to get a better ultrasound, then came to talk to Monte and I, and tell us the news I already knew in my heart. I was a wreck, thankfully Monte told me later what all the doctor had talked to us about, because I honestly don't remember much of anything he said. I couldn't believe this was happening. You see, this was not the first baby we've lost, not the second, but this was the third baby in a row that we've lost.
On March 25 I went in for surgery, and after a short half hour surgery my baby was officially not with me anymore. The hospital, and all of the doctors and nurses were amazing. They always called my baby a baby, not "tissue" or anything else. After I woke up in recovery, my nurse peeked her head in, and asked which cemetery we would like our baby buried at, I was impressed that they do that, and overcome with emotion! They sent the baby to pathology for testing, to see if they could find a cause, since this was the third time this happened. The results came back that our baby was perfectly normal. Oh how I'm sorry I couldn't keep that little baby safe, and I don't know why!
We have more children in heaven than we do here on earth. Oh how I long to know them, and see them one day. I also know that before all of this, I never thought about heaven all that much, but now I do, and long for it. For that I am grateful!
After the first two miscarriages I still had hope. After this last one, my hope was gone for a while, and that is a very bad place to be in! One HAS to have hope.
"More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint us, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit which has been given to us." - Romans 5: 3-5
I'm sad, but getting better. Although if I had my way, all of this would have never happened. I do know that these trials, though, have brought me so much closer to God, I've really needed Him! I've been given a lot of opportunities to exercise my own trust in Him.
Why, my Lord—dare I ask why? It will not hear the whisper of the wind or see the beauty of its parents’ face—it will not see the beauty of Your creation or the flame of a sunrise. Why, my Lord?
“Why, My child—do you ask ‘why’? Well, I will tell you why.
You see, the child lives. Instead of the wind he hears the sound of angels singing before My throne. Instead of the beauty that passes he sees everlasting Beauty—he sees My face. He was created and lived a short time so the image of his parents imprinted on his face may stand before Me as their personal intercessor. He knows secrets of heaven unknown to men on earth. He laughs with a special joy that only the innocent possess. My ways are not the ways of man. I create for My Kingdom and each creature fills a place in that Kingdom that could not be filled by another. He was created for My joy and his parents’ merits. He has never seen pain or sin. He has never felt hunger or pain. I breathed a soul into a seed, made it grow and called it forth.”
I am humbled before you, my Lord, for questioning Your wisdom, goodness, and love. I speak as a fool—forgive me. I acknowledge Your sovereign rights over life and death. I thank You for the life that began for so short a time to enjoy so long an Eternity. -- Mother M. Angelica
